Marriage gives two people an opportunity for intimacy, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
Intimacy requires trust. When we become intimate with someone, we remove layers that separate us.
We invite each other into a sacred space where only we and The Blessed Trinity live. We confide in each other. We show the pain, the fear, the anger behind the public smiles. We dare to profess Love without fear of rejection.
The heart of intimacy is Trust. We trust each other to hold in confidence what we entrust to them. We trust them to receive us as we really are without judging us.
At the base of Trust is Truth. Marriages cannot stand on a shaky foundation of lies.
Lies can begin with a simple withholding of The Truth. “What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.”
Lies can progress to an active hiding of The Truth to the point of where you yourself cannot find The Truth anymore. You speak to your spouse and others in regular lies, designed to keep down the hassles that would come if you told the Whole Truth.
But it gets tiring to remember what you said and what you didn’t say. So you withdraw. You become “busy.” You’re not in each other’s space as much.
The door to intimacy slowly closes, with one of you on one side and one of you on the other. But you are lonely. You desire connection with someone.
You find a sympathetic friend. It’s no big deal, you think. Just getting some things off your chest. But without knowing it, you are opening a door to intimacy … trust … with someone else.
Is there a road back or is it possible to stay on the right road to begin with?
Yes. Truth. Be sure to get this part. Truth is not collecting all your dirty laundry and dumping it out at your beloved’s feet.
Truth is not explaining to your beloved how they failed you or you failed them. Truth can be simple.
The first conversation is between you and God. He was part of The Circle of Trust you left. Restoring intimacy begins with restoring intimacy with Him.
Pray this simple prayer as David did.
“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”
Confess and repent of anything you have done that put distance between you and God or you and your beloved.
What if it’s not you who broke trust? What if it is your spouse? The Truth is that no matter who started it, if you have lost intimacy, it is a two person problem.
So instead of deciding whose fault it is, or how to fairly divide out the blame, let God handle things.
Be brave enough to ask God, “What is The Truth about me? What is The Truth about Your beloved and my beloved? We both love him/her.
“What is The Truth about us? What do we do now?”
Then it is time to get your best prayer partner to join you. If you are thinking, “I honestly don’t know where to start with him/her,” try this.
“I love you. I miss being close. Can we start fresh and try again? Can we pray together and ask God how to begin again?”
Will the violins begin to play in the background and your beloved run to you with open arms? Not always. If intimacy has been lost, it may take it awhile to get it back.
But you can stand firm, praying the same prayer every day, confessing, repenting, allowing God to make you into the person He designed for this marriage.
And don’t look over His Shoulder while He works on your beloved. Trust Him! He knows what He is doing!